I don't get myself. I tell myself, forget it.
But in the end, i remember it all in the little things of life.
And i start hating the little things of life.
And then, i find myself saying, i hate life.
Just cos of all that's happened.
Just cos i don't think i will be able to mend it,
in time.
Just cos maybe what my sister said,
is true.


Accepting people despite of their flaws is what friendship is.
Adolescent. We all grow up. We all change.
Whether it's seen or not.





"i was a nerd myself. so was ____. But ____ changed.
She became a model, she became very different.
I hated her for a while. I did.
But in the end, now, we're still best friends.
And i accept her as who she is, cos i can't do anything.
She is still the best friend i loved and love.
I am not going to list out her flaws,
Because i myself have many flaws,
That she's overlooked.
So, there you go."
- My sister.



Thanks, sis.
Maybe that's why i miss you so much.
Cos you give the best advice,
And put it all into perspective.


but today i'm fine without you,
run away this time without you,
and all the things you've put me through,
i'm holding by letting go of you.

this song - Straitjacket Feeling
makes me sad.
very sad.

today was well,
HILARIOUS. haha, but rather un-productive, as wendy puts it.

i go to woodlands library. check out the places.
FULL. hurhur. i went out, and went shopping for necklaces.
got two new ones. <3

then wendy came along.
gosh, she and her funeral outfit.
wonder if she felt HAWT.
then we go around causeway to find a seat.
rachel comes and we are at Mosburger.
rachel complains. we walk out, we go to macs.
we eat, talk, laugh. then wendy says, LETS GO JE LIBRARY.
we all go. we have no seats there. but we found a nice corner for ourselves.
we sit down.

and..
i mug for dot-cross diagrams.
HAHA, i finally got it.
victory!!!
then i learnt a bit on ionic compounds and their properties.

rachel asked me to 'introduce' people to her.
haha verbally. that was funny.
gosh i talked about like 35 people i knew.
then wendy and her hair combing...
HILARIOUS. that's the word.
we talk and talk, and never got any work done.
so in the end we went to KFC.
then we talk more talk more.
then went to Macs to get ice-cream.
then, i say smth stupid.

-shanti orders a hot fudge sundae and takes it into hand
-feels that it is hot
shanti: oh gosh, its so hot lah!
shanti: eh.. OHHH its a HOT fudge sundae
wendy and rachel: -stare in disbelief.

another one:

shanti: -stares at rachel's eyes and does not seem to be able to detect eyelashes
shanti: rachel, do you have eyelashes?
rachel: that is the stupidest question ANYONE has asked me in my entire life. OF COURSE I DO - turns away
shanti: OH OH i see it now!
rachel: not like i would cut it up like my brother.

;DD
rachel, your brother is amusing.
cutting up the eyebrows ; AMUSING.
but sad. now his eyebrows must look rather peculiar.

xD
today was fun.
haha esp laughing.
and rachel,
you owe me some ... SMSES, huhh? =P

tamil became a free period.
since he feels that one on one is boring.
WHOO. haha, joy to the world man.

at bytes lab now. and i see people i know.

mr eng's laptop wallpaper rocks. haha, :D
everyone was like "WOAH..."
and that rain video ;D
hilarious like hell.

i'm glad,
rachel sees my point of view.
i'm glad.
and wendy,
i DO look the saddest today.
LOL. xDD.

arthi's sick. x( get well soon dear.


if you were sick right now,
i would have done everything for you.
but too bad,
don't you think?



and btw,
if everything was to be about YOU,
i wouldn't be even using this blog.

i have got better things to do
than worry about you.

major renovation, baby.


and please.
do not irritate me.
by being fake.

today was okay i guess.
wait, that's an overstatement.

tamil was okay, but i must start on homework too.
and you know what arthi? i told you it would happen
and it did. my instincts were right.
then maths, well the bee reappeared. xD
but we all just shut up.
then lunch was fine i guess. besides _____.
instincts reappeared. sigh.
then IS1102, was okay
wendy fell! poor thing. she just was talking about the bee
and bam! she bounced off 2 steps. and there were guys behind.
xP. poor thing, the patch on her skirt was a bit obscene!

haha, the practical was fine i guess.
and the 'test' was hard.
i suck at chemistry, seriously.

then after school,
was, yeah,
okay is an overstatement.
then i met up with arthi&sneha, then louisa, then sam, then went home with wendy
wendy's dad brought me home. thanks dear!

and wendy,
your ip interview,
was hilarious.
haha, thanks for making me laugh like crazy.
i needed it.
after all that.

xD


hold on if you feel like letting go...

does it apply in this case?


i thought through it.
i don't need it.
after all it's put me through.
it's hurting me
and i know some of my friends know it too.
those whom i've confided in.
thank you ever so much.

well, well.

i must say, i expected more from you.
i guess thinking that you could be mature,
was a bit too much, huh?
assumptions made a tad too fast.
wait till the downer happens.
i'll be there.


school was fine i guess.
haha, lunch was interesting ;D
and i never scrubbed my hands so much till today.
lou&sam will know why.

Funtasia,
haha i can't wait man.
maybe i can? HAHA
too much stress.

and after sch,
drama fest rehearsal.
wow, my role is just... like she is some freak.
haha but in mr dio's words its : she's just motherly that's what mothers do.
and he asked me to go observe Bree Vandecamp(sp?)
haha



camwhore, till we drop <3
secrets, haha, maybe not anymore.
probably everyone knows.
-giggles.
SPIES WE SHALL BE,
SSL.
HAHA.
SHIT.
WTH.

okayy. new lay, here we go again xD

i got pretty sick of the old one.
though, kudos to yuli (fishpearr!) for coming up with that one.

today was quite funny i guess.
haha, i love bio lessons or ih lessons or any lesson that involves going to the comp. labs.
cos in the end, all we do is _____.
haha, just in case some teacher visits my blog.
like how mrs foong visits the 05 blog
(haha , she said it herself!)

i totally zoned out during physics.
i was sleeping in front of miss ong ;P


after sch was funnier.
haha, the whole leo-eugene Brokeback moment. (points up)
and wenloong too.
hilarious lahhh.
"keep your hands away from me eugene!" - leo.


then sam, xiuhui, reuben and i were hanging out when everyone
went off for Napfa cos sam&reuben had council, and xiuhui
had badminton.
i hope your ankle is okay, girl!
and i just realised where amalina's and liyana's chinese lessons were held.
how slow.

then, after they left, i went to meet rachel.
well, rachel, don't hate yourself.
if you feel lousy,
get out of it! cry it out, like you tell me.
<3 you! and if i can,
i will run with you.
haha!

oh, i'm sure.
self denial.
gotcha, hoho.

a mini revolution has taken place in the life of louisa lyn ho's.
so here's my shoutout to her:
HAHA GOOD LUCK DEAR ;DD. YOU NEED IT!
xD.

okay, about aristal now.

shower time:
gosh,
funny like hell.
we passed ben one shampoo bottle (GOSH ONE GUY TO ONE BOTTLE COMPARED TO THREE GIRLS WITH A SMALLER BOTTLE!)
and we went into the girl's toilet. i went in first, press the shower button, and screamed. cold like helll, damn it. then samantha&louisa, without the common sense to put the soaps on the ledge, threw it over, hitting me all over. screamed more. haha, but the shower was quite okay, besides the fact that we had to squeeze to one end of the cubicle for the water.
then i came out, and went to the other cubicle to change to my skirt. as blur as i was,
i leaned backwards and hit this shower button (there was no showerhead, JUST A HOLE IN THE WALL) and bam! my whole back got wet.
then sam and i went to 'suntan', but kept seeing people we knew walk past.

gosh benjamin, you take like so long to bathe. i bathed in that time, also considering the fact that my shampoo bottle took 10-20minutes to get opened. METRO METRO METRO.
xD. yes, louisa is right, vainpot.

then after we all bathed, we went up to accessorise. sam's too smart that she spilt some hair spray (moose form) onto her white shirt. SMART. haha, but luckily her bag salvaged her. after meeting up with ben, we went off to btp's KFC. gosh, we went up and down looking for it and realised that it was on the same level where we arrived. stupid.
haha, then we bought our food and ate. ben's flowers are funny man, funny.
"i want to give moisture to my flowers"
LOL. ice onto flowers, don't help. i wonder if its still alive, haha. and seriously, i do not get what so amusing about flipping my phone. and if it spoils, someone's going to pay!! after KFC, we went to NUS. we walked along clementi road first, trying to flag a taxi. and damn we sucked at that, haha ben crossed to the middle of the road, but when he did it, a taxi stopped on the other side where the rest of us were. HEHE :D

NUS was so quiet when we reached. and we heard a few numbers when the phone went on speaker mode ;P.
aristal queueing started. ben's flowers got koped. dancers came out here and there. we went in, sat down, then moved, and settled down, and camwhored a bit. then the show started.

"the kid's feeling emotional"
"how do guys do splits"
"-snore-"

haha, i'm glad ben did what he had to do.
though ALL of us missed it.
haha, and wenloong, you should have come man.
regret now somemore. tskk.

oh yes,
girly sunglasses on guys just looks hilarious & GAY.
xD

so i scream,
scream cos it hurts.
your every word,
cuts me inside,
and leaves me worse,
there's no way back,
what if there was?
you'd still be you
and i'm still me
say goodbye



you know what your problem is?
you feel the need to please,
those of,
high.
while, i, don't.
wendy is the only one,
who is going to understand what i'm saying.


and,
you,
are just freaky.
i'm scared,
to think what you're going,
to say or do next.




and finally,
you.
gosh, 5weeks to 2weeks,
shows how differently your treatment gets.
i bet it's just because of the face.
need to please,
there you go.




just when you think,
life's getting stable,
it all crumbles again.
dejavu? no.
just a mere re-occurence.



and as i told wendy,
i will blog about chocolate.
chocolate makes me sad. the flavour is great, the feeling to bite it and chew it, is great. but, when it melts and becomes liquidy, it just reminds me of life. don't ask me why, because i can't explain it. just now when i was at cold storage staring at a chocolate bar, with maroon5's she will be loved playing in the background, it all came back to me. darn.




by the way,
aristal was good.
thanks to louisa, samantha and benjamin,
for making it more fun.
i guess.

you didn't mean it, did you?
you're full of crap, i tell you.
you said it yourself.
bloody hell, you make me hate you.
when i don't want to hate anybody.
=x.




maybe,
what it said was true.
my heart is over my mind.
think straight shanti.
think straight.

oh yes,
walk straight too.
you keep bumping into people.
tskk.

oh gosh, i'm talking to myself.
i'm as bad as _____.
-laughs.




why do you always have to rub it in
damn it, i could just kill you.
and i mean, really.
jokes are no longer jokes,
when they cross the limit.


do not rub it in
do whatever you want,
but that.
because, you may not realise it,
but you are really annoying.






the wall's back.i realised.darn this shit.



fragile, that's the word.
i am fragile, emotionally.
so don't make me more fragile,
then i already am.
because, you don't know,
how angsty i get,
in the middle of the night.

i don't know what makes me more sad.

the fact that you don't see it.
or the fact that i see it too much.
oh, such a bother.


everytime,
we get on high,
we drop back down,
sad life,
it's square one,
again.

mocha makes me happy.
i realised.
chocolate makes me high.
maybe that's why,
i should take more of these things.
life's too short,
to live depessed.
ain't it?

that statement is most definitely untrue.
Untrue.
so do not make me have to kill you.





oh yeah,
another thing
to someone else.
my problem is you.
thank you very much.


school was alright today i guess.
short day.
MATH was really making me blur.
I LOVE PHYSICS because we did nothing much and i copied from Zile.
LA was fun, honestly. war&gore - yes, finally no more true love crap.
IH was not bad, i like Russian Revolution ;D




and samantha mok,
YOU CANNOT PANGSEH ME HOR.
I GOT YOU YOUR STRAW DURING LUNCH.
ANDDDD, I AM SO NICE TO YOU.
-sniffs.


i can't wait for Aristal, dammit.
especially since, it's liyana's first official performance.
whoo.
lou, a dress? serious? ;P
i need a damn belt, really.
should i get heels too?
since you dummies are wearing heels.
i don't want to look short! when i am NOT.
oh boy, you better be nice.
(i wonder who i am referring this to)


damn,
Man&ideas.
816words.
i can do it, i'm sure i can.
Biology,
research!
Tamil,
workbook + read the tamil book.
Maths,
random homework.
SPIRE,
proposal, shit.

alright, bye

sweet's just the word.
honey.


maybe, make the sacrifice
and i will succumb.
maybe, that will suffice
when i feel numb.


my dad's got a knack for being lame.
he actually printed out this warning notice, and stuck it next to the computer table.
it reads:

i pray that everything will be alright.
i've been pushing this prayer back, so that i can forget about it.
but suddenly, when i was thinking this morning [it's 12.48am]
i realised i can't keep avoiding this.
great,
the cycle hasn't stopped has it?
i thought i was happy for once.
i thought this weekend would be like how my weekends used to be.
but i just proved myself wrong.
by succumbing to this.

i shall pray here.





God,
I know i barely talk to you anymore.
I feel really distant from you.
And i'm scared already.
I think the reason why i have becomed such a wreck
Is because i never really prayed.
I just thought i did.
And now i realise, i've not put you as my main priority
I guess i got caught up in my whole new world.
And forgot who brought me into this world [my mother, yes, but you get me]
When i accompanied sheena to church today,
it may have been a christian environment,
But to me, i felt that God is one, though many will disagree
I tried to pray, but in the end got distracted by other things.
Life got to me. And I forgot you.
And i'm sorry.
When the world caves in on me, i remember you
That's why i'm guilty now.
I forget you in times of happiness,
When life is going on really well,
When everything happens the way i want it to.
Then, i get problems,
And i remember you.
I'm guilty of this.
Very.
And i'm sorry again.
i think this prayer won't end.
I can go on and on pointing out everything.
But i remember what the Pastor said today.
He said a story and in it, Jesus said "I've forgotten them" or something like that.
And i'm amazed at how you can forget my countless sins.
And i'm thankful to still know you're there,
no matter how distant i've become from you.
Maybe from now on,
I will devote more time to you,
rather than seclude myself in my room,
and isolate myself from others.

I hope that everything will get better.

Sigh.

today was quite fun.
went to mgs church, for the easter service with sheena.
<3
it was quite okay.
just that the hymns are really really long.
i never knew! like ... 12 slides for the closing hymn.
haha xD
and watching 3 little kids get baptised
was really fun.
i think megan is super cute!
PEACE BE WITH YOU.
(i shook hands with that really nice pastor! whoo!)

sheena, have fun in italy alright?
we'll be waiting for you to come back!
;DD

after church,
i went off for a haircut.
gosh, the woman had a hard time.
she kept saying "woah, your hair is THICK darling"
but she was really nice about it.
she thinned it alot, layered it,
and now its quite short.
haha, oh well, easier to maintain now :D


sigh, Man&Ideas is going to kill me.
hurrah. LOL.


i shall go for youth service at mg church soon.
with sheena xD
and jo invited me to her church.
haha, yay!

i miss my sister.
a lot.
though she's in singapore,
she's not at home.
she's off in the hostel, studying for her upcoming exams.
sigh, i really need someone to talk to.
friends are great to me,
but nothing's as good as talking to my sister.
blah.

talking to her online was great though.
i hope she feels better in days to come.
he's a nice guy, i know xD
but not worth your tears alright?
<3

yesterday was fun.
going to esplanade, doing the IH play.
laughing like shit.
looking at that girl with horrible fashion sense
in disbelief.
making a fool outta ourselves, leading to
the passers-by staring at us.
going to bugis, and getting bored.
watching a fashion show.
eating gelato ice cream.
and of course,
FRENCH EYE CANDY ;DD.
after that, wendy rachel and i went to causeway
and did random stuff. haha, dinner was funny.
i was laughing alot. even on the way home, wendy and i were laughing.
and the guy opposite us looked really amused.
we are so not the joke alright! haha.





maybe if only you would realise something.
you tell me each and every detail of your life.
but you just don't tell me one thing.
and then everytime something new happens,
you make it all revert back to square 1.
=/

okay i am not exactly in a very good mood right now.
sometimes i wish she was my mother instead of her.
sometimes i wish he was my dad instead of him.
bleagh.

i am so pissed off
that i could cry.
damn it.
damn this helluva shit.

at least sam's letting me think of ____.
haha thanks dear,
i feel better already!
haha, well,
i guess that's what they were meant to do to me.
piss me off, so that i will change or whatever nonsense.
not going to work, FOR SURE.
:x

sorry for the angsty post.
just felt like it.
feel better already i guess.

today was okay.
felt kind of bored.
since zile didn't come.
LOL.

who do you think of when you think of coffee?
xD
the best answer would be Dirty.
HAHA -looks at wendaye. x)

oh yes.
i'm sure sam,loue&i can come up with great lines.
to say in front of ______.
heh. i was laughing so bad.

and oh the council posters.
QUITE A GOOD LAUGH.
some have cute taglines,
others have funny pictures.
and some... just have no sense at all.



a nod made me happy.
xD.
cool is just the word baby.
take me away.

you are the biggest loser God has ever created.
seriously. maybe all that whining IS true afterall.
Loser.
Bastard.
ignore somemore, and trust me i will kill you.
maybe She is right.
who in the world do you think you are?
Definitely not someone worth bothering about.
that's definitely something i can vouch for.
that's gratitude for you huh?
you're so NOT welcome.
so NOT.

buzz off.

wtf is your problem.
shit you.
i'm seriously so pissed lah.
there is a thing called peer pressure.
i see that in you.
bloody loser.
hello? just because of what ___ says does not allow you to be so ... furreaking fucked up.
god i could kill you.
dao dao dao.
to think i'm so damn nice to you.
sigh. god bless you.
if you even believe in him that is.

stupid breed of people.
THE OTHER BREED.
if you get what i mean.

i'm in bytes now.
with loue and avril.
its free period for M.I.
how exciting. haha, mrs tan is off to vietnam!
my fav. thing to say : phnom penh.
cos i never know how to pronounce it.

i'm still angry.
i hate being angry.
just certain people like YOU spoil my day.
and ouch, i'm having a migraine.
how am i going to last till like.... i dunno, 8pm?
S.H.I.T.

and tomorrow,
i must do IFD.
and to lou: yeah, good luck dear! <3

i shall go blog somewhere else now.
bye.

this is screwed up.
i can't even say a word about them to you.
not even one.
furreak.
because in the end,
all i get is,
assumptions.




MARSHMELLOWS (; -looks at khai.
hehe, i love marshmellows.
LOL.
marshmellows sound soft and cute.
okay, now that comes out totally wrong.
HAHA. only khai knows what i'm saying.


i have to go do homework.
crap, and i miss my sister.
and i see my cousin online.
i don't know if she's going to california.
this is sad.
oh well, good for her!
xD

today was really good.
i finally managed to spend time with khairu from IJ BT <3
it's good, to spend time with people you're close to but barely have time to meet up with.
we went down to national lib to watch Jo.
Jo, you rock lah. Rock my super pretty socksies.
and i know who khai loves!
i have pictures! ;P.

bugis shopping rocked.
i love bugis street. besides the ah lian clothes, the earrings and all, GOOD DEAL.
i love the shirts (khai knows which one)
and i want more necklaces.
vintage all the way man. x)

we had alot of fun. that bloody Diva on the Mrt home.
-pssst. pssst. what a bitch.
there's a thing called disection of eyeballs
and my first choice would be hers'.

note to khai:
marshmellows rock!
;D you know what i mean.



we probably took 20pictures today.
just of THEM.
-coughs.

goodnight already.

33 minutes into a new day.
5th april.
and i'm crying hard.


i'm finally letting go.
and its painful.
really painful.
but at least, after this,
i'll feel better.
everything's gone
through these tears.

god bless everyone.
i am going to live a better life

"if you hold on, you'll have to change their impression."

rachel,
i hope i can.
it's going to make a hell of a difference.
to all this
isolation i've felt.
x)
thank you for hearing me out.

today was okay.
i guess.
i realised i barely do any of my homework.
that's really bad. now i'm doing IH.
bloody shit of a thing.
haha, along with funtasia proposal.
going siao already.
can't wait for theo to come online.
SAVE MEEEE.
HAHA =D

went out with amalina after school.
to go find out prices of all the weirdo stuff.
OMG I LOVE THAT... FRENCH MANICURE THING.
SO CUTE. HAHA xD
and the $4.90 set was damn cool.
x))


I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS SAT
GOING OUT WITH MY BESTIES X)
FROM CHIJ!
I LOVE YOU GUYS.
cheerleader jo. model clarabelle. softballer maria. sexayeee KHAI!
<3

shan,
do you have a balanced life?
is school very stressful for you?
are you having fun?
you are drifting away from your mom and me
what's wrong.

i wish i could tell my dad sometimes.
i wish.

they know i'm going through a tough time.
i've hinted sometimes.
but, i never really feel comfortable just letting go.
i'm scared of being ridiculed.
i'm scared they would just consider my problems mediocre.
cos to me, they're overwhelming.
-sighs.

i think i will die before i become 60.
i suddenly have this feeling.
worry, shock, anger is all going to lead to my death
i think i will die of a heart attack.
but i'm praying it will be in my sleep.
peaceful, and it is just like i'm totally cut off from everything.
everything is just ripped away. my family, my soul, my identity.
i don't have to live like this anymore.

but for now,
i will just pray to God more often.
and remember suffering children in less developed countries.
and know that i'm privileged enough to live in Singapore and lead a normal life.
though with a screwed up education, and with messed up friends, and a tangled up family.
i know i will live through this.
x)


i love you forever.
i will love you forever.